The Strategic Use of "Please": A Study on How People Make Requests

Tuesday - May 21 2024, 17:59 UTC - 8 months ago

"Please" is not a universally used expression of politeness, and is instead used strategically in situations where a refusal is expected. The study found that teaching contextual sensitivity rather than generic politeness rules may be more effective in communication. Saying "please" in the wrong context can even be perceived as pushy or doubtful of someone's willingness to help. The researchers analyzed 17 hours of video recordings of conversations in diverse settings and found that people said "please" in only 7% of requests.

By the time they reach kindergarten, most children have learned that "please" is considered a magic word. "Please" is an expression of politeness that shows courtesy and respect, turning a potential demand into a request that will – poof! – magically be granted.

But a new study on the ways people make requests of one another suggests that "please" might not be an all-purpose marker of politeness, but rather a more focused, strategic tool to manage frictions or obstacles among family members, friends, and even coworkers.

The study, published in Social Psychology Quarterly and authored by a team of sociologists from UCLA, shows that people say "please" much less often than expected, and mostly when they expect a "no" response to be forthcoming.

Whether passing the butter or driving someone to the airport, non-strangers say "please" to each other to sweeten a request when they know the other is likely unwilling, either because they have resisted already or because they are busy doing something else.

The findings suggest there should be less effort put into teaching prescriptive, "one-word-fits-all" principles, and more focus on how to be sensitive to the particulars of a situation.

"Any generic rule – like saying "please" and "thank you" – doesn't take into account the specific situation, and may not always indicate respect or politeness," said Andrew Chalfoun, a graduate student studying sociology and lead author of the study. "It may also not be very effective." .

Saying "please" could even be harmful in a given situation.

"In the wrong context, saying "please" may run the risk of sounding pushy or dubious about another's willingness to help," Chalfoun said.

For the study, Chalfoun and UCLA sociologists Giovanni Rossi and Tanya Stivers took into account the words, facial expressions, and behaviors observed in 17 hours of mostly informal, naturally occurring conversations that were recorded on video among family members, friends, and coworkers, with a few exchanges involving strangers. The video cameras had been set up with participants' consent in homes, workplaces, and outdoor areas for a previous study. The conversations took place during everyday activities across a range of settings such as meals, board games like "Catan," haircuts at a salon, food preparation, and in the back room of a retail store. The conversations were in person among British and American English speakers from diverse racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds, and among various age groups. The study displays what they found.